Pondering

Usually I'm a ponderer, spending long hours musing about life and all that it encompasses, contemplating the meaning of our many and varried existences. But, amidst the activites of my later college existence, I've found that I don't spend quite so much time pondering.

Sometimes it feels funny not to ponder, but at the same times it a refreshing feeling because for me the pondering frequently turns to worry and the worry eats at my brain filling my mind with fears about what this life has in store for me. There is a part of me, which I imagine makes up a part in every human brain, that can't let the pondering turn into wonder and instead turns the nonchalant musing into very real fears.

I think this pondering comes from the unknown. People ask me -- especially now that I am graduating in May -- what I am going to do with my "life." My automatic response is always "well, I am living it at the moment... so that's what counts." I know that is a smart ass remark but come on people! I am moving to Switzerland -- the land of the If's. Like I have said before, it is the "If's" that will kill you.

I can't say that somewhere along the way my pondering did turn into wonder. Wonder of the future -- wonder of the past -- and mostly, wonder of the here and now. That is all I can handle for now. I have been blessed with an abundance of grace in my life from everyone around me. They are patient with me while I decided what to do next, so I am beginning to realize that I need to be patient with myself and see what happens.